“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning .” - Viktor Frankl

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Ever since I can remember I've held a deep seated believe that I was born for more, that despite my circumstances, despite what was told to me by the person who was meant to love me unconditionally. I simply knew that I saw the world differently and had something to offer.

I often say I'm not competitive, and I think that's true. Although I really want to do well, and want to give my best, to progress and to succeed, I don't think it comes from a place of competitiveness. It comes from a deep sense of being capable, (and also a little dose of f*ck it, and f*ck you). By at least trying I will learn something about myself, I will have fun, I will move forward a place on the gameboard of life. See, I was minimised for so long, that now I'm so utterly enthralled by the act of embracing any and every opportunity to learn more about myself, and my true potential.

I feel in a lot of ways I am making up for lost time. I feel in some ways like I'm parenting my younger self, cheering her on from the side-lines, telling her how absolutely amazing she is, being her number one hype girl. Encouraging her to trust all that she has to offer the world. Teaching her that she is safe to be her. That she doesn't need to be grateful for the smallest acts of kindness shown to her. Telling her that she warrants the good that others see in her, despite being taught how utterly undeserving and unlovable she was from as young as she can remember.

I would never, and I absolutely mean never, change my childhood. I would suffer all of it again at the drop of a hat, and I'll tell you the reason for this seemingly absurd statement. The reason is because it's my WHY. It's my superpower, it's my self-sustaining life force that drives me forward, that enables me to see the joy in the small things, to appreciate the sh*t out of the big things. It's the thing that gives me the fearless confidence to trust my instinct and do whatever I need to fill my heart with joy. Without apology. Without embarrassment.

Every single day of my life in which I get to wake up and set the rules, is a gift. It's an honour, it's a privilege, it's everything. Me and only me, is accountable for my happiness. I am the only thing that can get it my own way, and sometimes I do. But more often than I do, I don't. I live my days with such gratitude. Gratitude for having made it through. For not only having survived, but thrived, and my gosh, does that make me proud.

In 'Man's Search for Meaning', Viktor Frankl writes "“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning…" My suffering is my meaning. I believe it's bestowed to me the most eternal gift. To always be able to find the thing to be grateful for, to know that I am so capable, and brave, and strong, that I can endure. I've got a mission to live my life by. To prove that little girl right. The one who in the darkest, most desolate times, chose to believe that it could and would be better. That little girl needs to have her hope and optimism rewarded.

I'm doing it all for her.

I'm doing it all for you Natalie.

You were right, it could be, and would be better, we made it little one- and look at us fly.